Love and Politics

I’m doing the closest thing to cooking that I do at my house these days. Once the oven is hot, I'm throwing in one of those frozen self-rising pizzas. Cheaper than delivery and tastes better than from some pizza places.

I'm struggling but hanging in there with the not smoking thing. I really wanted to go buy a pack today, but I didn't. I wanted mainly to buy them because I'm not real happy with that guy right now. However, two things come to mind. I need to be able to change those habits and coping mechanisms. That was how I ended up smoking again when my daughter decided two weeks before Christmas in '05 that she was leaving her husband. It has taken me almost two years to be able to quit again. Secondly, quitting smoking is not about him. It is not for him. It is for me. To jeopardize what I am doing for me because he chooses to be an insensitive, two-faced, double-dealing, watch me show up at his place unannounced, has me seriously considering throttling his fucking ass, would be absolutely unthinkable.

Yes, I do feel better for having put that out there and having gotten it out of my system.

If I don't vent here, it won't get done. I do have a legitimate gripe or two with him. He probably has a legitimate gripe or two with me, too. (If you could possibly imagine such a thing. LOL) Part of it being blown out of proportion is the nicotine withdraw. I have a very serious physical addiction to nicotine. Picking up cigarettes again was an absolutely asinine thing to have done.

And, if I try and look him in the eye and complain, I'll melt and lose my resolve. His eyes, his smile, him putting his arms around me... I sort of melt away into the arms of the man I love, my mate, and it suddenly isn't worth the argument. With us being so different in temperment and personality, I can only figure that if I didn't instinctively respond to him in that manner, we would fight continually and hate each other. Which brings me to realize that god has a pretty fucked-up sense of humor.

Also along that same observation... my period - two weeks overdue. I was initially pretty horrified to think that I was pregnant. 46, smoker, not taking my vitamins and folic acid regularly. That of course being secondary to the fact that I have had a hormone imbalance for the last 23 years and had not been able to get pregnant. Luckily, I haven't taken any of the truly horrible and inherently dangerous medications for months, but I was questioning when I had taken the Neurontin, Lexapro, Prilosec, etc, etc... Regardless of what the data says, I don't feel comfortable that things that alter brain chemistry and body chemistry could be completely non-harmful to a developing fetus. Then, there's the fact that he has another year of school left to complete. How much will I be able to work over the next year? Talk about increasing his stress level to off the scale... I don't think he is aware of the rule that babies never pick a good time to show up on the scene. It took a couple of days to regain some semblance of composure and realize that I love this man and would be thrilled to raise a child with him. I realized that our prodigy would probably be enough like the both of us that it would serve useful in mentally and physically taxing the parental units to the very limits of endurance. I don't think he would do any better with a mini-me than I would do with a mini-he. So, I was determined that I had better do this pregnancy test and be prepared to tell him the worst.

Yes, god has a fucked-up sense of humor. You must get a negative pregnancy test result in order for your period to start two weeks late. geez!

In a way, I was relieved that it was negative. I was also, in some ways, disappointed that it was negative. I would have to concur with the general consensus that having a child at 46, after my children are adults and I am "free" is bordering on lunacy. However, it was the prospect that it was his child that would make me consider it rational. I have been divorced for 25 years and always said that I would consider marriage again with the right man. This would be the right one.

I'm feeling pretty beat right now. Lack of nicotine and the acquired GI bug that has been so popular at work this last week have me ready for some sleep. I suppose I'll have to do a "Part Two" in order to have to keep from changing the title of this entry.