Friday, March 23, 2007

Awnings and Dawnings


As I was driving up North High Street in the north campus area this afternoon, I took note of the faded awning at the restaurant at the corner of Patterson and High. That restaurant has probably been through eight changes of ownership and cuisine in the fifteen years that I have known it to be in existance.

The awning is still perfectly functional as it covers the stairway leading up the hill from the street to the door, but time has taken its toll. Once bright white and red, it is now faded with exposure to the elements.

Funny how things change with the passage of time...

I was just coming from my doctor's office this afternoon when I took note of the condition of that awning. My doctor has been my doctor for 17 years now. Things have changed for both she and I with the passage of time.

She was my doctor before I was diagnosed with the rheumatoid arthritis. She was my doctor before Al and I went our separate ways. She was my doctor when my daughter, who is now a mother of five, was still in elementary school; she is now my daughter's doctor as well. She was my doctor when she still worked full-time before having her second son. She was my doctor long before she came to the university and took a position as dean at the medical school. She and I come from the same non-bucolic but rural background in north central Ohio. We're the product of blue-collar families who hoped for and worked hard for something better for our generation.

I've been off work for two weeks now due to swelling and acute pain in my knees. My knees finally started feeling better yesterday, less swelling but still painful with flexion of more than 60 degrees, so of course, I woke up yesterday morning with my ankles swollen. LOL Today was my second visit to the doctor's office in 7 days. My doctor was appalled at the sight of my ankles. I assured her that the swelling wasn't as bad today as it had been yesterday.

What am I to do? It's just how things go with this disease sometimes. You deal with it the best you can. You do what you can do, you let the rest slide, but you keep on going.

I've been doing some serious thinking these last two weeks, though. Funny how you tend to think a lot when you can't do much other than sit around. I've come to the realization that it's time for a career change. The resident that I saw at my appointment on Saturday of last week suggested a referral for an eval at the occupational medicine or physical medicine clinic. I had to admit that it's a very valid referral.

I'm not so hung-up on having to sign a title behind my name or make the kind of money that I make or having the authority to supervise and to dictate policy that I would consider a civil service position as an admin assistant to be "beneath me." Hell, I worked at the dry cleaners for 3 years when my RA was so bad that I couldn't keep a "real job."

I'm merely looking to be productive. That has always been my goal.

I took a time out in 1995 when Al and I split up, and I went and learned to drive a truck. Let me tell you, I've never had so much fun at a job. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE driving a truck. Now, with laptops and wi-fi, I'd never have to come home as long as I took two seasons worth of clothes with me! When the other drivers found out that I was a nurse, the guys would inevitably ask, "How can you give up a career to come do this?" Any nurse, who has been a nurse for a while, that I have told that to has gotten a good laugh. People just have no idea what it is that nurses actually "do" unless they've got one close to them. Being a nurse is not a bad job. It is a stressful, frustrating job. Very little of the stress and frustration comes from the patients; it comes from administration and policies and bureaucracy. Taking care of people doesn't lead to burn-out in nursing. The factors that influence our ability to care for people is what leads to burn-out.

So, the reality that I must look at doing something else as an occupation is becoming more settled in my mind. I don't see this as an end to a career that I have found to bring great personal reward. I view this as a new era dawning. A new lease to attain other goals and other satisfactions, face other challenges and frustrations and devise methods of overcoming and disarming them.

Some things may have changed and the newness faded with the passage of time, but the reality of change and challenge dawns hopeful.

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