I called off work last night. I didn't particularly want to, for various reasons - monthly change-over paperwork, finances, attendance points, laboratory orders and results, on-going mentoring training, client paperwork and updates...
With having so many valid reasons for needing to go to work, why did I call off? Lack of sleep? I've worked longer, harder shifts on less sleep. Depression? I'm still struggling with my father's death and the ever-present chronic pain, but the depression is very manageable most days. Burn-out from the grandchildren? Yes, I've had the two little boys home and sick all week, and Ness home sick for the last two days. "Special Ed" (nod to Crank Yankers) has continued to be "on" in the behavioral area and has me stressed out to the point of wanting to medicate him or myself on a regular basis, but that's nothing new.
As an aside, we did finally get a diagnosis from the behavioral evaluation. ADHD with ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder. As I told my daughter as we were reading the reports - Special Ed is ODD. The surly bitch failed to see any humor in that at the time. She and I talked about the diagnosis for a bit last night, in light of continued observance of his behaviors and correlating them with the diagnosis. We're not fully convinced that it's totally accurate or complete, and feel that in some ways they were just looking to be able to pigeonhole or to place a label. So, I'm sure there will be more to come... from him, from me, from the medical community. As he starts preschool in the fall, we can throw some educators into the mix as well. LMSFAO (laughing my surly fucking ass off) On the note of educators, the preschool teacher who knows this child and who was looking forward to having him in her class next year has been "staff reduced." The Columbus Public School District's way of saying "fired." She has the opportunity to bump a person with less seniority from a position at another school. We've had one very good teacher, who is low on seniority and deals yearly with the situation of being staff reduced or bumped, decide to resign from the district and go elsewhere. The principal has decided to go elsewhere as well. She's tired of fighting the district for the staff and the teachers and the programs that the kids need. She's a wonderful advocate for the children and the families that she serves. Her presence will be sorely missed, and I hope her new school and district appreciate what they have in her.
So, why exactly then did I call off work?
My knees.
They're still horribly sore and painful from having worked Monday night. I can walk on the flat and level, but don't ask me to bend them... sit, stand, go up/down stairs....
It's a crushing realization at this point.
I have "known" for a couple of months now, since my physician cut my hours to part time, that I would have to find another job. Another career field, in reality. But, the realization of that has become more and more ominous as the days of this week have slipped by. In spite of medications and rest, my knees have gotten no better.
What is a nurse who cannot walk?
My sciatic nerve pain and the pain from the sciatic nerve impingement that radiates down my left leg and the numbness in my feet, due to both sciatic nerves being impinged, play a part in this as well, but that has been secondary to the pain and decreased range of motion in my knees this week. It plays a part in not being able to walk, though.
I've been here several times over the last eleven years, since having been diagnosed with the rheumatoid arthritis.
And, I'm tired.
I've blogged before about the un/under-employment cycle related to this disease, on my old Yahoo 360 blog (see the link on my homepage of this blog), so I'm not going to re-hash that reality again. It would be both redundant and depressing.
I'm going to finish my coffee, smoke a cigarette, and think about what I need to do. It's time to make a change.
The greatest fear that we face is the fear of the unknown. Thankfully, I'm not given to fear.
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